Wednesday, August 17, 2011

WTF Wednesday?!?

On Monday, I talked about things that just make me happy. That was nice, wasn't it? But, in order to maintain balance in the world, you have to take the bad with the good. So I hereby declare Wednesdays to be "WTF Wednesdays?!?" Just a little chance to have a chat about the things in life that make you shake your head and say "For real life? For reals?" Not every week, of course, but just when the spirit moves me. And boy has the spirit moved me. Let me drop a little knowledge on you about...


You suck. In more ways than one...
These blood-sucking, disease-carrying, itch-making, soulless, breeding/feeding sumbitches are STRAIGHT. FROM. THE. DEVIL. They like to bite me a lot more than your average person. Not only do I look like I have chicken pox all over my body, but now they have decided that the tops of my feet are the great new place to focus. One got me on Monday and it was like this was the conversation it had in its tiny bundle of nerves it calls a brain: "Hmmm, the top of her toe looks tasty. I'm SURE she doesn't want to wear shoes that will actually touch her toes. Because this toe is gonna itch and swell and make her SUPER uncomfortable during her interview." Thanks mosquito. Dick.


"Look mom! Look what me and Lola made!!"
Hair on your body is fine. I'm not the biggest fan of super hairy men, but whatevs, I can deal with it as long as it's STILL ATTACHED TO YOUR BODY! If you brushed your hair and have pieces of it on your clothes, I will probably creep up on you all ninja style and try to pluck it off without you noticing. Random people's hair on me makes me cringe. I put my hand in my own pocket a couple weeks ago and my fingers got tangled up in a piece of long, straight, blond hair. WTF?!? Have you met me? There is nothing long, blond or remotely straight about my hair. And how the eff did it get in my damn pocket?? And dog hair is the worst. Sweet Jesus, it gets everywhere! This picture of Bozz is next to the mountain of dog hair I swept up from the house. Look how proud he is of it...

Caution Baby on Board Signs

Are you telling me that simply because you have a child in your car, that I am clearly driving like a bat out of hell, and I should immediately change what I am doing to protect your precious babe? How presumptuous. Or are you telling me that I should be cautious of you, because you are clearly distracted and driving unsafely due to your screaming demon bundle of joy in the backseat? Eh, potato, potahto.

I could absolutely keep going, but I'll end it there. What puts bees in your bonnet?

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