Christmas ShoesWTF Lyric: "Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my mama, please. It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size. Could you hurry sir? Daddy says there's not much time. You see she's been sick for quite a while and I know these shoes will make her smile. And I want her to look beautiful, if mama meets Jesus tonight."
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that it's supposed to be a heartrending story about a little boy who doesn't have enough money to get one last gift for his mother because she doesn't have long to live. But seriously? Why is this child unsupervised, buying shoes, instead of spending time with his mother. Because the little boy seems to think that mama will be meeting Jesus tonight. Not to mention the fact that the dude singing has the most annoying voice ever.
Holly Jolly ChristmasWTF Lyric: "Oh ho, the mistletoe, hung where you can see. Somebody waits for you, kiss her once for me."
Hmmm, sir, you are really telling another dude to kiss his lady on your behalf? Who on earth does that? That sounds like you're just cruisin for a bruisin!
Baby It's Cold OutsideWTF Lyric: Woman: "I ought to say no, no, no sir." Man: "Mind if I move in closer?" W: "At least I'm gonna say that I tried." M: "What's the sense in hurting my pride?" W: "I really can't stay." M: "Baby, don't hold out."...W: "My sister will be suspicious." M: "Gosh your lips look delicious."
I could keep going, but what's the point? This whole song? Rape Central. Lady tries to leave, dude gives her more to drink. Lady says no, dude says she's hurting his pride. Lady tries to give excuses about why she should be leaving, dude comments on her delicious lips. Sigh, shaking my head...
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
WTF Lyric: "Now bring us some figgy pudding!...We won't go until we get some!"
This is how I imagine this scenario playing out: A
mob group of carolers comes to the door and starts singing this song. How lovely, spreading Christmas cheer! Wait. What? They're demanding figgy pudding? And they won't leave our yard until we give it to them?! What the hell is a figgy pudding? I don't know where to get any, and they're getting closer to the house! Quick honey, out the back door! They're coming for the pudding!!!
WTF Lyric: "There's a world outside your window and it's a world of dread and fear. Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears. Where the Christmas bells that are ringing are the clanging chimes of Doom. Well tonight, thank God it's them instead of you. And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime. The greatest gift they'll get this year is life. Ohh...Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow. Do they know it's Christmas time at all?"
Do They Know It's Christmas?
Do They Know It's Christmas?
Where, oh where to start with this one...Okay. First of all, I understand that this song was written to raise money for famine relief in Ethiopia in the 80s, which was a wonderful intention. But for real?!?! Rather than showing any sort of sympathy, the singers are basically saying, "Whew, sucks to be you guys! Thanks, God, for hooking me up!" Next point. During Christmas, it's summer in Africa, so snow's really not common then. And let's not forget that Africa is a huge continent. With different climate regions. There is snow in Africa, somewhere, most likely in the mountains, but it's there. Along with rain, rivers and things that grow. Finally, the clanging chimes of Doom? Ah, Eurocentrism, how classy you are. I just can't anymore...
Honorable mention: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
WTF Lyric: "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."
Well hello, you little bullying sumbitches. If I was Rudolph, I'd be hanging out with the elves and leaving those punk reindeer to their own devices. Eff your stupid reindeer games!
Happy holidays friends! Enjoy the magic of the season ;-D