Sunday, August 25, 2013

Bittersweet Symphony

Today has some bittersweet things going on. It marks an anniversary and a final countdown (which I totally just sang in my head. If you've got it stuck in yours now, you're welcome.)

The bitter: This morning I woke up weepy. Like opened my eyes and there were tears. And I'm like "What the hell right now?!?" But my body is like a fricking alarm clock of emotion. I go to bed fine and when I wake up, boom, there it is. I haven't been sleeping well the past few weeks because I have a lot going on in my life right now. When I go to sleep, I have details running through my mind. **You know how when you go running or biking, those weird ass clouds of gnats that are just all of a sudden in your face and you can't avoid them because they're just there, flying around in a jumbled mess and they get all in your nose and eyes? The gnats are so teense individually that you can't even see them, but when they get together, and in your face, you get all flaily armed, like a cat playing with a laser beam.** I wake up at 4 a.m. with details flitting around like those damned gnats (But also to pee. Because that's what happens when you pound a glass of water right before you go to sleep. I should really rethink that aspect of my nightly routine...)

But anyway. I'm clearly stalling for time here because I know the closer I get to the subject at hand, the more likely I am to get weepy all over again. But if you know me, you know I'm a crier. We've all accepted it and we're moving on. This morning I woke up weepy. Like opened my eyes and there were tears. I told myself yesterday that today would just be another day in the life. Today is Gary's one year deathiversary. I wrote about it, but I'm not going to do it again. Where I was then is a very different place than where I am now and the way I figure it, I've been managing for the past year. Why wouldn't today be just another day? Rationally, that's where I am, but my heart clearly did not get that memo, hence the weepy wakeup. So today is for Gary. I'm gonna go for a bike ride. I'm going to have some greasy spoon diner breakfast. I'm gonna wear my hair big and crazy and curly. I need to do some stuff in Adobe. And I'm gonna sit around and shoot the shit with the people who mean the most to me and some Jack Daniels and it will be a good day.

This was a good day too. Gary and I road tripping from Ohio to California.

We like silhouettes and shadows :-)
The sweet: So, remember the aforementioned detail gnats that make my brain all flaily and wake me up in the middle of the night? They are all wedding details. *I still need to print menu cards*We have to redo the seating chart*Shit, can we afford this?*We have A LOT of stuff to take to the venue*Gotta get all the vendors on the same page*Mother Nature, I don't see rain in the forecast. Thanks. Let's keep it that way*Vows. Oh hell, I gotta write my vows* WHAT WERE WE THINKING? We live in Ohio and we have an outdoor venue without a tent*I'm gonna have to pee eventually. How do I manage that in my dress?!?*Veil. Oh hell, I have to make my veil*Is it gonna be too hot? Am I going to sweat to death in my dress?*Gotta remember to eat. Don't want to be hangry at my own wedding*I hope my hair doesn't choose that day to be ultra rebellious*I'm going to cry. I won't have pockets. I will need tissues. I hope I don't get raccoon eyes or a snotty face.*

You can see how these things might wake one up in the middle of the night. But it's okay. Because in one week, the end result is going to be that I get to marry the man of my dreams. The stress and the sleepless nights and the laughter and frustration and tears, it's all leading up to next Sunday. So we're on the final countdown of being a single lady (Oh, now you get to have both songs in your head. You're double welcome). So today is for me. I'm gonna go for a bike ride. I'm going to my favorite diner for breakfast where I can relax with a cup of coffee and read some Game of Thrones. I'm going to wear my hair big and crazy and curly because that's just what it likes to do. I'm going to reformat my menu cards and table numbers in Adobe so I can squash those mental gnats. And I'm gonna hang out with my mom and my sisters and Danny and Jack and it will be a good day.

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