WTF Wednesday?!?

Oh, hey WTF Wednesday! I haven't seen you here in quite some time! Soooo, remember that time I was driving to work and that school bus stopped to collect a child? Right in front of their house? On a busy street? Directly past a stop light? Oh yeah, that happened this morning. And pretty much every morning when I leave 4 minutes later than usual. And today when I had to go on errands to buy gifts for our employee holiday party.

You know, I get that folks want their kids to get safely on the bus. But for real? Morse Road? Couldn't you pull into the apartment complex instead of stopping traffic on busy ass Morse Road? When I rode the school bus (cue curmudgeonly old lady voice...) I had to walk to the nearest school and wait. Granted, it wasn't that far away, but I definitely wasn't getting door to door service. And the bus wasn't holding up traffic 18 times in one mile to pick up 18 kids.

Here's how I see it...parents don't seem to be letting the kids out of their sight. So rather than making the bus stop 57 different times, bundle your kids up and walk/drive/bike them to the nearest school/church/fire station/what-have-you, hang out with 20 other kids and parents, hawkeye your own kids and STOP GETTING IN MY DAMN WAY!!

In other news, I went to Target today to get some extension cords for our holiday lights. Should have been 10 minutes and $10 right? An hour and a half and $200 later, I finally made it out alive. So today, I'm thankful for Target. Thinning bank accounts and supplying all the things you never knew you needed since 1962

WTF Wednesday?!? The Christmas Song Edition

Well friends, it's been quite a while since I've written anything, but happy holidays! In honor of this joyous holiday season, my WTF Wednesday is devoted to that wonderful phenomenon that comes around once a year...Christmas Songs! Have you ever really listened to the words of some of these songs?!?! I mean, sheesh...I'm not going to get all PC about the lyrics, but some of them are just damn ridiculous. Sadly enough, if I don't really think about the words, and just enjoy the Christmas magic these songs invoke, I really like most of them. Either way, in no particular order (except for Christmas Shoes. I freaking HATE that song!), here are my least favorite Christmas songs/lyrics:

Christmas Shoes

WTF Lyric: "Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my mama, please. It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size. Could you hurry sir? Daddy says there's not much time. You see she's been sick for quite a while and I know these shoes will make her smile. And I want her to look beautiful, if mama meets Jesus tonight."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that it's supposed to be a heartrending story about a little boy who doesn't have enough money to get one last gift for his mother because she doesn't have long to live. But seriously? Why is this child unsupervised, buying shoes, instead of spending time with his mother. Because the little boy seems to think that mama will be meeting Jesus tonight. Not to mention the fact that the dude singing has the most annoying voice ever. 

Holly Jolly Christmas

WTF Lyric: "Oh ho, the mistletoe, hung where you can see. Somebody waits for you, kiss her once for me."

Hmmm, sir, you are really telling another dude to kiss his lady on your behalf? Who on earth does that? That sounds like you're just cruisin for a bruisin!

Baby It's Cold Outside

WTF Lyric: Woman: "I ought to say no, no, no sir." Man: "Mind if I move in closer?" W: "At least I'm gonna say that I tried." M: "What's the sense in hurting my pride?" W: "I really can't stay." M: "Baby, don't hold out."...W: "My sister will be suspicious." M: "Gosh your lips look delicious."

I could keep going, but what's the point? This whole song? Rape Central. Lady tries to leave, dude gives her more to drink. Lady says no, dude says she's hurting his pride. Lady tries to give excuses about why she should be leaving, dude comments on her delicious lips. Sigh, shaking my head...

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

WTF Lyric: "Now bring us some figgy pudding!...We won't go until we get some!"

This is how I imagine this scenario playing out: A mob group of carolers comes to the door and starts singing this song. How lovely, spreading Christmas cheer! Wait. What? They're demanding figgy pudding? And they won't leave our yard until we give it to them?! What the hell is a figgy pudding? I don't know where to get any, and they're getting closer to the house! Quick honey, out the back door! They're coming for the pudding!!!

Do They Know It's Christmas?

WTF Lyric: "There's a world outside your window and it's a world of dread and fear. Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears. Where the Christmas bells that are ringing are the clanging chimes of Doom. Well tonight, thank God it's them instead of you. And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime. The greatest gift they'll get this year is life. Ohh...Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow. Do they know it's Christmas time at all?"

Where, oh where to start with this one...Okay. First of all, I understand that this song was written to raise money for famine relief in Ethiopia in the 80s, which was a wonderful intention. But for real?!?! Rather than showing any sort of sympathy, the singers are basically saying, "Whew, sucks to be you guys! Thanks, God, for hooking me up!" Next point. During Christmas, it's summer in Africa, so snow's really not common then. And let's not forget that Africa is a huge continent. With different climate regions. There is snow in Africa, somewhere, most likely in the mountains, but it's there. Along with rain, rivers and things that grow. Finally, the clanging chimes of Doom? Ah, Eurocentrism, how classy you are. I just can't anymore...

Honorable mention: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

WTF Lyric: "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."

Well hello, you little bullying sumbitches. If I was Rudolph, I'd be hanging out with the elves and leaving those punk reindeer to their own devices. Eff your stupid reindeer games!

Happy holidays friends! Enjoy the magic of the season ;-D

WTF Wednesday?!?

Aaaaah well, it's about that time again...I haven't had a WTF moment in a while, and boy have I got a doozy for you today!! It's not even a list of things. This WTF is just one story that happened yesterday, and is enough to last me the whole week...

On my way home from work yesterday, I decided that I really wanted something pumpkin (I made a delicious stuffed pumpkin last week and I'll share the recipe soon!), but I was almost home, and the closest grocery store isn't that great. So I decided to stop at home really quickly and grab a recipe for butternut squash soup and take it to this cute little gourmet market a couple miles away. I go in and love on all the delicious foodstuffs they have, buy what I need and head out. This is what I encounter in the parking lot...

WTF # 1 (at the car parked next to mine): I'm walking to my car and I see a little boy standing next to a car, with a woman, presumably his mother, next to him, and what looked suspiciously like a tiny wee wee hanging out of his pants. I thought to myself "no way this kid is just flashing in the parking lot like this. He can't be more than 3 years old! And why would his mother just be okay with that?!?" Well, I could not have been more wrong. Because what do I hear as I walk up to them? "Okay, you have to push your hips forward so that you don't get pee on yourself!" 

Ummm, excuse me ma'am. You are not in the middle of the woods. This is a parking lot. With stores all around. With BATHROOMS in them. So I suck it in so that I can scootch by the little boy and not disturb his business time, when what do I hear, but...

WTF # 2 (at the car parked directly in front of mine): "HACK HACK, YARK, URK, KACK." (If you need a little reference for what that actually sounds like, think of a cat yorking up a hairball, or the scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, where Snot the dog is under the table choking and Cousin Eddies says "Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.") So I look up to find the source of this ungodly noise, and see a man directly in front of me standing next to his car looking like he was picking something out of his mouth and puking out whatever was bothering him. 

I know I've mentioned my aversion to vomit before, so needless to say, I chucked my groceries in the car, jumped in the driver's seat and peeled out of there like I was running away from a burning building. 

What. The. Fuck. And there you have it, friends. That was all the WTF I needed this week, all in the span of 5 minutes. Woof.

WTF Wednesday?!?

On Monday, I talked about things that just make me happy. That was nice, wasn't it? But, in order to maintain balance in the world, you have to take the bad with the good. So I hereby declare Wednesdays to be "WTF Wednesdays?!?" Just a little chance to have a chat about the things in life that make you shake your head and say "For real life? For reals?" Not every week, of course, but just when the spirit moves me. And boy has the spirit moved me. Let me drop a little knowledge on you about...

MOSQUITOES

You suck. In more ways than one...

These blood-sucking, disease-carrying, itch-making, soulless, breeding/feeding sumbitches are STRAIGHT. FROM. THE. DEVIL. They like to bite me a lot more than your average person. Not only do I look like I have chicken pox all over my body, but now they have decided that the tops of my feet are the great new place to focus. One got me on Monday and it was like this was the conversation it had in its tiny bundle of nerves it calls a brain: "Hmmm, the top of her toe looks tasty. I'm SURE she doesn't want to wear shoes that will actually touch her toes. Because this toe is gonna itch and swell and make her SUPER uncomfortable during her interview." Thanks mosquito. Dick.

Hair

"Look mom! Look what me and Lola made!!"

Hair on your body is fine. I'm not the biggest fan of super hairy men, but whatevs, I can deal with it as long as it's STILL ATTACHED TO YOUR BODY! If you brushed your hair and have pieces of it on your clothes, I will probably creep up on you all ninja style and try to pluck it off without you noticing. Random people's hair on me makes me cringe. I put my hand in my own pocket a couple weeks ago and my fingers got tangled up in a piece of long, straight, blond hair. WTF?!? Have you met me? There is nothing long, blond or remotely straight about my hair. And how the eff did it get in my damn pocket?? And dog hair is the worst. Sweet Jesus, it gets everywhere! This picture of Bozz is next to the mountain of dog hair I swept up from the house. Look how proud he is of it...

Caution Baby on Board Signs

Are you telling me that simply because you have a child in your car, that I am clearly driving like a bat out of hell, and I should immediately change what I am doing to protect your precious babe? How presumptuous. Or are you telling me that I should be cautious of you, because you are clearly distracted and driving unsafely due to your screaming demon bundle of joy in the backseat? Eh, potato, potahto.


I could absolutely keep going, but I'll end it there. What puts bees in your bonnet?